A New Beginning

So here we are in 2010 and I am back writing this blog. Bring it on I say!
With work, family commitments and it now being a solo gig I am not sure how often I can update it- but I am going to give it my best go.

My husband and I had a very sad ending to 2009.
His younger brother passed away unexpectedly.
My birth mother and my relationship ended unexpectedly.

We have spent most of December and the start of the New Year dealing with our grief and sadness in different ways, at times apart and now together.

When you think about it- no one ever has a problem dealing with happiness and feeling good- but when we are sad and grieving it is a whole new ball game.

When things are good, we are happy for it to all stay the same.
But when things we counted on change- situations/relationships we thought were there to stay, losing someone we love, we want things to adjust to how we want it to be.

I have had to “walk my talk” and “practice what I have preached”. I have read over my past blogs on forgiveness, anger, positive thinking and mind chatter. Yet still consumed with sadness.

This is what has been working for us:

We have been amazed by the supportive, loving people we have been surrounded by. And feel very blessed to know these remarkable people.
It is a freedom to know I have people I can talk to about my feelings, and not be judged...or helped...just listened too.

My husband and I sit every night, since his return, once the family has gone to bed and just talk. He has astounded me in the open way he is dealing with his loss. The way he openly speaks about everything he is feeling, what he has said, been said to him and what he has been thinking.
I am sure he was a Zen Buddhist Monk in a previous life.
He is very much an “In the Now” person without even knowing or trying to be.
He very much accepts that what is- is, and that you can’t control circumstances, but you can control your thoughts.
It has been inspirational the way he is dealing with his loss in a constructive and positive way.


Hard as it is we should try not to dwell on what is making us sad (or angry or frustrated!) We dwell on it because it is not what we expected or wanted. We did not want this to happen. We want it to change. We can’t change it.
Try to dwell on a plan of action to start to feel recovered instead. Dwell on the happier times and all the good stories.

Strive to not tell yourself stories...maybe this...if only that...these are all stories and mind chatter and will keep you focused on negative feelings- stories that you don’t even know to be true! Stick to the facts.
When I feel I cannot clear my head of all this chatter, I take a deep breath and say “Peace be with you, and peace for me too.” (A slight Catholic inspiration there from my childhood!) And then move on with my thoughts, choosing something more positive to think about.

Taking care of ourselves should be number one priority. Emotionally, physically, being kind.

When one is deeply suffering from sadness and grief the desire to eat is lost. Making sure we eat really GOOD food, favorite food, yummy food; comfort food is important- now is not a time to eat junk, quickly thrown together or tasteless stuff, now is about goodness and flavours. To entice ourselves to take another mouthful.

Sadness is a normal reaction to a loss and does not mean there is something wrong with us, but it is hard to accept, and we feel we should deal with it better, and get over it. There is the feeling of being over dramatic if we can’t seem to be happier.
Can you imagine ever saying to a friend who is in a similar position “You should be over this by now”?
Why do we beat ourselves up over our grief?
I felt terrible when everyone was greeting me with “Happy New Year, and how was your Christmas!” And I longed to feel enthusiastic in my reply, sometimes faking it, to save bringing my greeter down.

Listen to music. Like food, it should be good, not cheesy...try your local Jazz FM station- they are great for the soul on any occasion!

Crying is good, let it all out. Cry for everything, all the times you have held back and were strong in other situations, cry now, wash it all away.

Believe it or not, there are positives to loss. Once the pain starts healing, you can find them. I am not going to talk about our own personal positive takes on our losses, but there have already been several. They are there.

Keeping busy. Housework, digging the garden, walking, swimming...keeping moving and occupied. Since my husband returned and bought his mother with him our house is looking amazing and has never been spring cleaned and gardened so well! (See there is a positive!)
My mother in law is using this method the most, and finds a new project every day. Thank goddess I have kitchen drawers and a linen press that are helping with the healing!

Being grateful for what is in our lives. Each other, our children, our family, our home, our pets...our beautiful life.
We are both blown away by the support people offer. We have spoken about being in the same position as this vast group of friends close, friends far, and friends of our brother. We hope we are the same type of people who would be able to rise and act in such a way when someone needs us, just as these people have done. There have been so may different ways in which support is offered, a shoulder to cry on, a BBQ with old friends, a ride to the airport, feeding the cat, phoning in to check up, the list goes on.

This one is for all those we are grateful to. Thank you for helping us in getting back to our beautiful life.

suzy x