Regina’s piece last week on Self Worth really hit a chord with a lot of people. I had conversations with people before the blog went up, who have situations where their self worth is really taking a battering.
This all got me thinking, reading, researching.
Self Esteem
Self Worth
Self Regard
Self Respect
Self Integrity
SELF LOVE
Self Love does not mean we are one of those who comes across as self obsessed or self centered. Self love is a courageous mental shift, of inner understanding. When we have true love for ourselves, we can spread it around; we cannot possibly offer genuine love to others, if we don’t see ourselves as a source of love. This is not only in our relationships, but in our deeds and actions to anyone in our community.
Write it Down:
We all have them, those broken records, those little nagging criticisms. We’ve been listening to these messages for so long now, we often don’t even hear them. But they do have their impact on our self worth. Write it down, separate it from your mind, see it on a piece of paper, and say to yourself, there I don’t need to carry that around anymore, I can leave it on that piece of paper. Remind yourself when you hear that whisper (or loud scream) to change the mental CD, or skip to a positive one, we don’t have to put up with “broken records” anymore!
Counteract the Above:
For every negative thought, find a response that counteracts it. Make it as loving, kind and positive as possible.
Ask Yourself:
Is this just that, an old thought pattern? Is it of any use to me anymore? Do the facts of my life still support this thought? Why am I letting this recur? Remind yourself you no longer need this.
What is your Mood:
How are you feeling when you have these thoughts. If you were feeling happier, well, energetic would you see the situation the same way?
The Source:
Where did I get this thought? Most things go way back, to very early relationships, traumas, coping mechanisms. So is it effective or useful anymore?
If you do know the source, reassure that little kid, teen or young adult, that smaller You. Tell them they did nothing wrong, and you are here to protect and love them now.
Make Lists:
Make a list of what you like about yourself. Modesty does not help here, nor do old criticisms. Praise for yourself is healing, and it nourishes your self worth. If you find this difficult to do, think about what you love and admire in others. Do you have those same traits, usually you do.
Make a list of compliments from others. When someone pays you a compliment or comments in a positive way about you, make a note. (Physically, like get yourself a notebook for all these notes!) This is not a replacement for your own self love, but a step towards learning to have self love. Sometimes we may need to hear it from others (and be able to read it again!) so that we can value it in ourselves. (Really get a notebook, so you can re-read all the lovely things you and others think of you, great for those days that are bummers!)
Make a list (in that new gorgeous little notebook of yours) of something you achieve, or are proud of. You can update it every day or every week, make note of these things.
Read Your New Notebook Whenever You Need a Pick up!
Give Yourself an Affirmation of Loving-kindness.
Find one that works for you. You can Google it!
I AM KIND, COMPASSIONATE, INTELLIGENT AND WISE (or use whatever words you like). Repeat this as often as you can, stick them up everywhere, or if you don’t feel comfortable with that put little notes where you will find them; in the pocket of a pair of jeans, your wallet, and the biscuit tin! Repeating is the key, a lesson we should all know by that old broken record.
A really tough one can be to look at yourself in the mirror, look deeply into your eyes, and tell You...I Love You. See the compassion, the kindness and tell yourself again.
A thing I do when I am getting a treatment on my back, is when I am lying on the table I go deep in and tell myself “I love you, I want you to feel good, I will take care of you.”
Another thing that comes to mind is a little joke my husband and I have. If one of us speaks a bit harsher than we should, the other says, “Would you speak to your best friend like that?” (In a funny jokey voice- but it works, puts it into perspective!) Maybe we need to ask ourselves that, would we tell a friend the things we tell ourselves. Talk to others like we do ourselves?
Life holds no grudges against us, it always forgives us. Does our vision of love exclude ourselves? We accept our loved ones for “who they are”; can we allow ourselves the same? When having a negative thought ask "Is this kind?" Paying attention to our (supposed) faults and flaws, being tough on ourselves does not bring change, does not make us happier. Negative, hurtful thoughts and self criticism hold back the free flow of harmony in our lives.
Encourage strengths and positives.
Think of a loved one: partner, friend or family. Close your eyes, think of everything you love about this person, how they make you feel, what you admire in them. Now imagine yourself to be that person, and how that person sees you, what they love about you, how you make them feel, what they admire in you. Imagine them feeling all the compassion and love they have for you, and the happiness you bring them. Feel their compassion and love and own it.
suzy x
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Living in a Material World
I have come to a tough realization, I have been pushing it away for years...I have at times meant to do something about it, I have beat myself up about it, and I have yelled at my kids about it.
My kids are greedy.
But you know what; this is completely normal. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though...and definitely means I’m going to try really hard to make a change.
How can they not be greedy??
Attractive window displays, bright packaging, weekly catalogues in our mailbox. Slick advertising aimed directly at them, newer and better fascinating toys. Christmas decorations in the shops in August. Easter Eggs in January!
And us parents rewarding good behaviour, and also bribing, buying ourselves some quiet, filling voids left by work and general busyness and alleviating our guilt over anything...with stuff.
We give them everything they want. We just want them to be happy. We want them to have what we didn’t. We want to be able to “treat” them. We want them to feel satisfied.
When you look at your child, you look in a mirror- you shape their values. Uh oh, does that mean they get it from me??
As my kids get older it becomes more and more obvious that they have been conditioned to think that they don’t have enough, they need more! To be happy they need more, but they will never have enough, there will never be enough.
They collect things, and they always need another one, another figurine, another book, but the having of the something never matches the initial drive of desiring the something...one of my kids does not so much as play with the collections as just loves having them.
I look at all the phases my children have been through, a box full of Ponies, another full of Cars...all things they have grown out of and can even hold embarrassment for owning them !
I was thinking about selling them on E-bay, so they could get more money to buy more things...then I realized that needs a re-think!
We have a system of handing down our clothes to a couple of families we know with younger kids. We need to start a new system of pulling out all the hand me down toys, and getting them to choose a charity or hospital where other children will get to enjoy them.
I am going to limit the amount of things they can own, or purchase, and once this has been reached, they can donate some of their older stuff.
Hopefully it will also teach them not to become too attached to material goods...hard when their mother has a habit of getting sentimental about things, and has been known to hold onto stuff for a bit too long!.
They do not know the joy of wanting something for a long time and then finally getting it, as we did in our childhoods. They don’t have to think about a toy for months, waiting for Christmas or birthdays, doing jobs around the house to save up...because at some point before then, they will probably end up with most things that their heart has once desired.
I am trying to figure out ways to teach my children that they can only find happiness from within, not from owning an object. I worry that this materialistic outlook is spiritually scarring them, when instead they need spiritual nourishment.
I want my children to value themselves for who they are, and what their actions are, rather than what they own. I want them to understand that contentment is a training of the heart. I want to equip myself and my children to be able to say no to “things” and not feel bad about it. I want them to know that having the most Collector Cards at school does not make them cool. That owning the latest Video Game does not get them a best friend.
I want my family to understand that we have enough things.
I need to stop rewarding their good behaviour with something bought. I need to find other incentives, like having a friend for a sleep- over, watching a special TV show, spending quality time with them and letting them choose an activity that we never find time for.
I need to realize that getting them a little something every time we go to the shops has desensitized them to the actual meaning of “treat”.
I need to realize that I am not a mean parent because my child is not getting an I Pod for his 5th birthday, broadband connected to her cubby house, or 70 inch Plasmas in their bedrooms. My husband and I should not work longer hours so they can wear the most expensive sneakers being worn.
Time is more important than money, I cannot buy love. My children will not become more socially apt, gifted or happier because of what they own.
When I think about all the things my children have nagged for, and needed desperately, or even I felt they needed desperately...none of it made them “happier”.
Not like when we all go to the beach, or have a tickle war on the couch, or sit down for dinner together and talk.
None of it.
I once read a tip on a parenting blog. Tell your children a white-lie, tell them that you are now a poor family, and the only hope of getting what they want is to get good marks at school and to behave well, and hopefully Santa will bring it at Christmas time...not such a bad idea!
Maybe it is not just our children who need to stop this un-mindful consumption, and start practicing mindful consuming.
I wonder why when we compare what we have with others, we always compare up? Would it not put things in more perspective if we compared down? Rather than our friends with the new amazing fan dangled what ever it is, try comparing what your family has with one in say Afghanistan, Zimbabwe or rural China.
And suddenly you will see how much we have in our beautiful lives.
suzy x
My kids are greedy.
But you know what; this is completely normal. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though...and definitely means I’m going to try really hard to make a change.
How can they not be greedy??
Attractive window displays, bright packaging, weekly catalogues in our mailbox. Slick advertising aimed directly at them, newer and better fascinating toys. Christmas decorations in the shops in August. Easter Eggs in January!
And us parents rewarding good behaviour, and also bribing, buying ourselves some quiet, filling voids left by work and general busyness and alleviating our guilt over anything...with stuff.
We give them everything they want. We just want them to be happy. We want them to have what we didn’t. We want to be able to “treat” them. We want them to feel satisfied.
When you look at your child, you look in a mirror- you shape their values. Uh oh, does that mean they get it from me??
As my kids get older it becomes more and more obvious that they have been conditioned to think that they don’t have enough, they need more! To be happy they need more, but they will never have enough, there will never be enough.
They collect things, and they always need another one, another figurine, another book, but the having of the something never matches the initial drive of desiring the something...one of my kids does not so much as play with the collections as just loves having them.
I look at all the phases my children have been through, a box full of Ponies, another full of Cars...all things they have grown out of and can even hold embarrassment for owning them !
I was thinking about selling them on E-bay, so they could get more money to buy more things...then I realized that needs a re-think!
We have a system of handing down our clothes to a couple of families we know with younger kids. We need to start a new system of pulling out all the hand me down toys, and getting them to choose a charity or hospital where other children will get to enjoy them.
I am going to limit the amount of things they can own, or purchase, and once this has been reached, they can donate some of their older stuff.
Hopefully it will also teach them not to become too attached to material goods...hard when their mother has a habit of getting sentimental about things, and has been known to hold onto stuff for a bit too long!.
They do not know the joy of wanting something for a long time and then finally getting it, as we did in our childhoods. They don’t have to think about a toy for months, waiting for Christmas or birthdays, doing jobs around the house to save up...because at some point before then, they will probably end up with most things that their heart has once desired.
I am trying to figure out ways to teach my children that they can only find happiness from within, not from owning an object. I worry that this materialistic outlook is spiritually scarring them, when instead they need spiritual nourishment.
I want my children to value themselves for who they are, and what their actions are, rather than what they own. I want them to understand that contentment is a training of the heart. I want to equip myself and my children to be able to say no to “things” and not feel bad about it. I want them to know that having the most Collector Cards at school does not make them cool. That owning the latest Video Game does not get them a best friend.
I want my family to understand that we have enough things.
I need to stop rewarding their good behaviour with something bought. I need to find other incentives, like having a friend for a sleep- over, watching a special TV show, spending quality time with them and letting them choose an activity that we never find time for.
I need to realize that getting them a little something every time we go to the shops has desensitized them to the actual meaning of “treat”.
I need to realize that I am not a mean parent because my child is not getting an I Pod for his 5th birthday, broadband connected to her cubby house, or 70 inch Plasmas in their bedrooms. My husband and I should not work longer hours so they can wear the most expensive sneakers being worn.
Time is more important than money, I cannot buy love. My children will not become more socially apt, gifted or happier because of what they own.
When I think about all the things my children have nagged for, and needed desperately, or even I felt they needed desperately...none of it made them “happier”.
Not like when we all go to the beach, or have a tickle war on the couch, or sit down for dinner together and talk.
None of it.
I once read a tip on a parenting blog. Tell your children a white-lie, tell them that you are now a poor family, and the only hope of getting what they want is to get good marks at school and to behave well, and hopefully Santa will bring it at Christmas time...not such a bad idea!
Maybe it is not just our children who need to stop this un-mindful consumption, and start practicing mindful consuming.
I wonder why when we compare what we have with others, we always compare up? Would it not put things in more perspective if we compared down? Rather than our friends with the new amazing fan dangled what ever it is, try comparing what your family has with one in say Afghanistan, Zimbabwe or rural China.
And suddenly you will see how much we have in our beautiful lives.
suzy x
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