Give Forgive a Chance

“We move through life hurting others as well as being hurt.
We move though life hurting ourselves as well as being hurt by others.
And forgiveness is needed”. Stephanie Dowrick

Forgiveness is not pretending wrong is right. It allows us to see the big picture, where things are as they are, right, wrong...they just are.
Forgiveness of those who have hurt us is not a generosity of our spirit; it simply prevents their harmful impact from influencing us.
Forgiveness allows us to learn from the past as we leave it behind.

We either forgive, or we hold onto bitterness and anger.

People are evolving all the time. Scientists have told us we replace and regenerate every cell in our body. That would mean neither me nor you are the same person we were several years ago. People’s priorities change. What was once held significant may not hold the same value for someone anymore. People often act without thinking. They are driven by their own internal stories; therefore their actions are not only about you.
Knowing this doesn’t make damage or pain go away, but it can be very helpful when we want to forgive someone.


Forgive because you can.
Forgiveness is irrelevant of whether or not it is deserved.
Forgiveness follows the decision not to allow past wounds to dictate your present.

Real people are complex.
Someone who has hurt you may never understand what they have done, and they may never suffer for their actions. This is no longer your concern.
No-one’s suffering, or understanding for that matter, will make you feel better.

During the week, as Regina and I were discussing Forgiveness, I realized I was having great difficulty in forgiving someone close to me for a remark that is brought up every now and then over the years. (Often enough for me!)
Whilst discussing this, Regina observed this person is obviously very attached to what they have been saying to me (about me), to be saying it for so long.
As we talked…I came up with why this person could be so attached to the hurtful remarks…it was their way of bandaging their involvement over what had happened, not wanting to acknowledge their own part in the story.
After realizing this, it was a huge release, wow, I could actually move on from this on-going painful remark once understanding it wasn’t really about me. I could forgive her. And I will know that, the next time it is brought up!

You are in control of your own thoughts, reactions and emotions. Emotions follow thoughts, and you have the power to reject thoughts that disturb or upset you.
Remember the golden-oldie, “nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”.

Instead of spending energy on what has hurt us, turn your attention to what supports you. When forgiveness is absent, so is self respect and perhaps even self-love.

I can hate something that has been done; I can even detest the person who did it. I may never want to see them, speak to them or trust them again. But I want to move forward, if only for my own sake. So I forgive them. And I feel a helluva lot better these days!

Once you have forgiven someone, you don’t have to continue doing it. It only takes once, if it is done honestly. Then when thoughts of that person or the hurtful experience come to mind, just wish them well. If you do this every time, the thought will return less and less, until it actually fades away.

Forgiveness will treat your hurt as you would any other wound. You may have broken your arm once, you will remember the pain, but you can’t feel it anymore. You will always remember the hurtful incident, but you no longer feel the pain.


2 Tools for Forgiveness

Imagine the person who has hurt you; now imagine you have just been told the most wonderful news about them. How do you feel? If you feel a flash of bitterness, resentment or anger, you have not been able to forgive them...yet.
If you feel ok with it, even at ease, you know you have moved on and have successfully forgiven them.

Here is one that I love from Stephanie Dowrick’s book “Choosing Happiness Life & Soul Essentials”.
Imagine you are putting the person who has caused you harm into a small boat, and that the boat is traveling back out into the ocean of life. Give it a great heave! Soon it’s far out of your range of vision. You are not causing that person harm; you are leaving them to their destiny.
You are getting on with your own.

suzy x