Love is not Controlled

I love that I am free to be me…

I love that the people I love don’t want to control me or change me. I love that they allow me to be me, that they love me for who I am and how I am.

Love is not Control. Wanting to Control a loved one is a weakness, an insecurity that comes from you and your self-doubts.

How often have we had people in our lives, partners, family, friends, our children; who try to control us, or we try to control them.

Love is freedom; to allow the person we love to be themselves…the very self that we love.

When we start a new relationship (and from hereon when I say relationship I mean all relationships, family, friends, partners) there are always so many things about the person that we find to love, in fact we love 99 % of all that is them!
Then sadly for some relationships what were once the very things we loved become an issue and we want to control it, change it…change them.
We have all known this situation; an open, friendly, bubbly person being told to tone down their behavior by someone in their life who cannot handle the free spirit of their loved one.
And as I said, it is not always a partner; it can be a friend or family member too.

I am very blessed to be married to a man who allows me to be me.
He has NEVER asked me to change ONE THING about myself.
During our Wedding Speech, I thanked him for loving me…the way I need to be loved, as he does this so beautifully.

I have had to learn to be as Zen as him!
Back in the early days of our relationship when I was younger and emotionally immature I too wanted to control the things an insecure girlfriend does, his friends, what he was doing, how he should treat me… but thankfully I did learn from him and saw that allowing him to be who he is was much healthier for us and an absolute freedom in our relationship.
When he was free to be just him, he was the man I fell in love with, and that is the man who loves me just as I am!
We always laugh off our different opinions, tastes, and thoughts on life.
And man, do we have some differences of opinion! We make fun of it and enjoy it. We don’t need each other to see, do and think all things the same. That would be kind of weird and probably very boring too!

I have been in controlling relationships though, and they were definitely no fun.
The usual; boyfriends and friends who are no longer.
I have even seen grown children trying to control a parent, grown siblings trying to control each other, as if it is some reflection on them by how the family member behaves.

There was recently someone in my life that I was extremely close to. At the time it felt we were in an incredibly loving and supportive relationship. This person was often suggesting ways I could improve myself, my family life, and even my friendships. The more I came to rely on this person’s views the more I started second-guessing my own opinions, attitudes and actions. It became a situation of walking on eggshells for me, from fear I could do something that was “wrong” and be admonished for…again. I was losing all sense of who I was and what I was about, I lost trust in myself and felt very confused, and then the relationship literally imploded on us.
Friends later spoke of being surprised at how controlled I had become and that I wasn’t recognizable as the Suzy they knew when I was around this person.
I don’t know if the person even realized herself that there appeared to be an absolute need of control over me, but the relationship had to end, as neither of us was “free” anymore.

Now I have my own children, I have had to find the balance between guiding and controlling.
Yes, when they are behaving terribly in front of others, I would love to wield my control as a powerful tool, and get them to behave exactly as I would wish. But it is important that I get this just right, that I don’t crush whom they are in my desire to get them to be whom I would like. I do not want my children to fear that they have failed to be exactly how I want them to be; I want them to know that they are loved and accepted for exactly who they are.
I guess it’s a little like this, I can control what they eat for dinner, but I cannot control their tastes- their likes or dislikes or their comments and opinions on what we are eating!

As always it pays to remember that we are only in control of our own thoughts and actions.
There is never “right or wrong”…there just “is”.

“Trying to change someone is a waste of time. The very thought of changing someone is saying that they are not good enough as they are, and it is soaked with judgment and disapproval. That is not a thought of appreciation or love, and those thoughts will only bring separation between you and that person.
You must look for the good in people to have more of it appear. As you look only for the good things in a person, you will be amazed at what your new focus reveals.” –Rhonda Byrne. The Secret Daily Teachings

I accept the beautiful people, just as they are, in my beautiful life.

suzy x